Killing people is too superficial.
Distinguishing stimulus from cause
We are never angry because of what others say or do.
Mix up stimulus and cause, if you want to motivate someone by guilt.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking, in thoughts of blame and judgment, in thoughts of "wrongness" of others.
Our need causes our feeling
Example: Someone comes late to an appointment.
If we need reassurance that the person cares, we may feel hurt.
If we need to spend our time in a meaningful way, we may feel frustrated.
If our need is to have time for ourselves, we might feel glad.
Same stimulus, different needs and feelings.
The belief that the stimulus causes our feeling leads to violence
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. "They are wrong and they deserve punishment."
Judgment of others leads to self-fulfilling prophecies
Clima activist goes to company boss and says: "You are a killer of the planet."
It is a rare person who is able to hear our feelings and needs through our images of wrongness.
Four options when hearing a difficult message
Blame ourselves
Blame others
Sense our feelings and needs
Sense feelings and needs of others
Example:
This person is lying.
(blame another person)
vs.
This person is scared and wants to protect herself from punishment.
(sense a feeling and a need)
Four steps to expressing anger
1. Stop. Breathe.
2. Notice and identify our thoughts that imply wrongness
3. Sense into our needs
4. Express our feelings and needs
Offering empathy first
Before expressing our needs, we might want to also sense the feelings and needs of the other person.
The more we hear them, the more they will hear us.
Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our mind, without judging them.
When we hear another person's feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.
Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.
People do not hear our pain, when they belief they are at fault.
Taking our time
Sam Williams and the 5x8 card. Taking it out every time.
"Daddy, get the card."
Practice translating each judment into a need.
Take your time.
